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[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Autocarrot sucks!
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?