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I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.