Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”