Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thanks auntie mary

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

Worst perfume name ever.

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.