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Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)