You Might Also Like
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.