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My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Basically.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
seriously you guys
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
found this cool rock hiking today
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.