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Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane