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I love you…
…r dog.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous