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Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Watermelon Boss!
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater