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Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”