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This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there