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I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Science memes
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”