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If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.