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[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.