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When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours