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[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better