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My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
This kid is going places
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.