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I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.