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I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
One of the best
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations