You Might Also Like
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Bless you
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
life finds a way
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Sign of the day..
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts