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WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me: Alexa, play music
Cop: where do you think you are?
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk