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Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Poetry is my passion
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea