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The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
me when somebody idk start touching me
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles