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For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
No laws when master is gone
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.