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Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year