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In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.