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2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
o shit
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.