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Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no