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I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”