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I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Fruity
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
We are the people our parents warned us about.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
no regrets
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What