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Wow 🤣
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
go easy on yourself <3
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex