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[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.