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Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.