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I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday