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Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you