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if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me