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GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.