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Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Pickled cat.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
i think we should see other cousins
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what