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Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
