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I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
This cat wants you to take your pills
