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Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.