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No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Saint West, the patron of selfies
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]