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My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Always a metermaid never a meter
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
Happy Star Wars day!
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.