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Succinctly put.
What flavor cupcake are these
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.