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Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
True
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.