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This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
🏙👨🏼
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet