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You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
This could be us but you eatin’
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
That’s what I call a flat tire
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?