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Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no