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the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Should I call tech support or pray or what
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness