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Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.