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If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
The struggle is real
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
black phone good
A leaf blower, but for people.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…