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This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.