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Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Nice try, NASA
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person
Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.