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I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
🇺🇸🤭
