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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?