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A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!