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“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
opening twitter today
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Swedish for common sense.
Breaking news:
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens