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Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Me when I try to be useful
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.