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How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?