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I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
sugar glider wrangler
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
adding to the discourse
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”