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If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
the internet really was better 18 years ago
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.