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i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.