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Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit