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Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
In Canada they just call them geese
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
