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“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.