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What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I’m confused about plants