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Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?