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[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Godspeed, John Glenn
dude it’s called proctologist
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
A Monday every week is excessive
Y’all know who you are.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.