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I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Finally, a door that understands me
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*