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Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I beg your pardon?
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.