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Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.