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Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
yeah not falling for this one
5 ways to appear taller
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
These 3D printers are insane!
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.